It’s rare for me to vent like this, but I’m dealing with it the only way I can right now.

I had a long day and a difficult conversation with someone I go back and forth on deciding whether or not they should be a part of my life. 

For the last two and a half years (seriously?!?!) I have dealt with constant Erin Young bullshit. I honestly feel like I’m the only person who can handle this kid. We didn’t meet under the most ideal of circumstances, and our companionship, or whatever it was, caused a lot of complications and hurt feelings in the lives of several people. Last spring I finally made an attempt at pursuing something with him, and it didn’t work out. I was extremely disappointed, but more so because I had actually even tried to make things work.

I thought the easiest thing to do at that point was to make myself hate Erin, but I had no valid reason other than he’s an idiot 22-year old who has a lot of growing up to do. I can’t hate someone for that. So, I extended a hand of friendship and ever since then it has been a rollercoaster of emotion on his end. One day I’ll be considered a close friend he trusts and confides in/vice versa, and the next I’ll be the “one who got away.” At that point, he’ll try relentlessly to make me feel like I owe him another chance or something. I don’t know how many times I’ve expressed to him that I lead a very different life now and that I don’t feel comfortable when he does things like call me at 1am or email me pictures of us together (which of course he just plays off as “fond remembrances”). Right now he’s extremely lonely, as he just moved to Omaha, and I feel like whenever he experiences these bouts of loneliness, he immediately latches on to the idea of being with me. To my understanding, the only relationship he’s ever been serious (and that’s not even the right word for it) about was the one with me. I think he’s just enamored with the fairy-tale circumstances of the beginnings of our history and he has the idea in his head that since I’m the only one who gets him, I’m the only one he’ll ever be able to be with. It’s just frustrating that there are so few people that I have the ability to talk to openly about most things, and the person who has been there for me the last few troubled weeks has this hidden agenda of “winning” me back. Hell fucking no. I don’t know how many times I need to explain it to him. I feel like either I’m too nice or I’m too selfish to give up a friendship I feel like I worked hard to develop.

Fucking shit.